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Post by Hodgy on Jan 30, 2021 15:08:42 GMT
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Post by admin on Jan 30, 2021 19:20:25 GMT
only thing to follow that with is: Got the outdated language warning on this today for the earlier description of the market microwave thief! |
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Post by Hodgy on Jan 30, 2021 21:25:17 GMT
only thing to follow that with is: Got the outdated language warning on this today for the earlier description of the market microwave thief! I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to our blind community for this ghastly attempt at humour. That OFAH moment really had me. I recall wondering, how the hell is he going to get out of this one. Brilliant. |
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Post by admin on Jan 30, 2021 21:52:08 GMT
I nearly wet myself  Quite right Hodgy. I too would like to apologise to anyone with bladder weakness who I offended with that comment. |
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Post by admin on Feb 1, 2021 17:01:55 GMT
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Post by admin on Feb 5, 2021 21:21:00 GMT
I'm back from the hospital. They think that i might have Pneumonoultramicoscopicsllicovolcanoconiousosis: but at the moment it's hard to say. |
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Post by admin on Feb 7, 2021 21:15:11 GMT
What do we want? A cure for obesity. When do we want it? After lunch! |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 8, 2021 10:50:15 GMT
What do we want? Hearing aids. When do we want them? Hearing aids. I would like to apologise for my joke to anyone with a hearing problem |
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Post by admin on Feb 8, 2021 20:00:33 GMT
My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and saw the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her." He said, "What happened?" I said, "The arrow missed and hit your f****** mother!"
BREAKING: An earthquake has hit near a biscuit factory in the North of England last night... It measured 2.8 on the Rich Tea scale! |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 9, 2021 10:49:50 GMT
To the person that stole my trainers while I was on the bouncy castle! F****** grow up!!! |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 11, 2021 15:31:27 GMT
I went into B&Q and asked the man for some nails. He asked me “how long I wanted them”. My reply, “I want to keep them”. |
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Post by admin on Feb 11, 2021 21:55:19 GMT
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into alternatives... You ducking piece of shut! |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 12, 2021 11:35:45 GMT
If I had a £1 for every dead badger I saw today, I’d have 50p. |
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Post by admin on Feb 13, 2021 22:21:05 GMT
A man goes in a library and asks, "Do you have any books on boomerangs?" The librarian says, "You're in luck. This one's just come back!" |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 14, 2021 19:23:39 GMT
Apparently, someone gets stabbed in London every 52 seconds. Poor b*****d.
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Post by admin on Feb 15, 2021 21:00:44 GMT
My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession... I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van! |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 19, 2021 19:12:18 GMT
What do the movies titanic and sixth sense have in common? "Icy Dead People".
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Post by admin on Feb 20, 2021 20:53:49 GMT
I opened my front door 3 nights ago and there was a snail on the doorstep, so I picked it up and threw it as far as I could... Just a moment ago there was a knock on the door. I opened it and saw the same snail. The snail said, "What the hell was that all about?" |
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Post by admin on Feb 24, 2021 22:08:52 GMT
During a safety meeting at work, I was asked, "What steps would you take in event of a fire?" "Really big ones!" was apparently not the right answer. |
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Post by admin on Feb 25, 2021 20:45:13 GMT
Crossed lines  We all know that Peterborough is a dump, allegedly, but someone clearly misunderstood what was being said Police investigate after man ‘takes poo’ metres from toilets at Peterborough station   (ET 25/2/21) I doubt that the picture that paints will make you smile but I couldn't be bothered to start an appropriately named thread  |
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Post by admin on Feb 28, 2021 10:19:04 GMT
I got a new job with the Samaritans last week... I tried to phone in sick this morning but the buggers talked me out of it!
I just opened my fridge and it really smells of basil... I think it's faulty! - OTHERWISE OK
My mate asked me to help him with his crossword earlier as he was struggling with 4 across. "What's the clue?" I asked. "Overworked postman," he said. "How many letters?" "Thousands!"
I was arrested yesterday after my neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdinck records all night... Police released me, let me go!
I got pulled over by the police. Police: "Turn around." Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round." Police: "Turn around." Me: " every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of my tears" It was then I got tasered! well done if you got that one
source Jokes UK@jokesuk |
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Post by admin on Feb 28, 2021 19:32:39 GMT
I said salad cream, stupid! Well may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 28, 2021 19:51:54 GMT
I said salad cream, stupid! Well may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window The Mrs Richards episode is my favourite from a brilliant series. What horse? Dragonfly |
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Post by Hodgy on Feb 28, 2021 20:03:41 GMT
This is still the funniest moment I have ever laughed at on TV. I still laugh every time I watch it. |
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Post by admin on Feb 28, 2021 20:08:40 GMT
The Mrs Richards episode is my favourite from a brilliant series. What horse? Dragonfly b0252 Major Gowen: Going to have a flutter, Fawlty? Basil Fawlty: No. No, no, no, no, no. Sybil Fawlty: No, Basil doesn't bet anymore. Do you, dear? Basil Fawlty: No, I don't, dear, no. No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off. Sybil Fawlty: And we don't want it opened up again, do we Basil? Basil Fawlty: No, YOU don't, dear |
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(ET 25/2/21)